White Light, Black Rain

I just finished watching a documentary on HBO called White Light, Black Rain: The Destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I have always been interested in World War II, so I tivo'd this the other day when I saw it on. It made me incredibly sad. I just keep seeing the pictures and images they showed. The survivors they interviewed were so young when it happened, mostly small children, and it hurts my heart to think of the things they saw and endured.

I really recommend watching it if you get the chance, but be warned, it shows graphic images of the injuries people sustained, and of the aftermath.

Scissors + 5 year old = Emergency trip to salon

I forgot to mention when I posted last night, Shelby got a haircut! Apparently her new school scissors were just calling her name, and for some inexplicable reason, she cut her hair. Up to her ear on the left side. Shelby, the child who has handled scissors for at least 2 years now, cutting paper and doing crafts, finally cuts her hair when she's 5 1/2! Luckily, the salon was able to get us in that afternoon, and now she has a pretty short, but very cute, layered bob:

Before:


After:

Busy week!

The kids had their first week of school this week, and I've been trying to get everything lined up for my school, so I've been pretty busy. Hunter and Mackenzie started out with a full week, and since Shelby is in Kindergarten, she's on a staggered schedule and only went one day this week. All of them like their teachers, and the year has started off well. Hunter was extremely nervous about 6th grade, switching classes and all, but he absolutely loves it. I figured he would, and I'm glad he does. Shelby was looking forward to it until she found out that her teacher is a man. But she had a good time on her day last week, and she says she likes her teacher, now, which is a relief. Here are some pictures of them:

As for me, I've been getting all kinds of frustrating surprises from the college. First of all, the website was saying I had holds from the library, so I couldn't register my classes online. When I called the library to have them removed, they couldn't find any record of me in the computer.

I finally got that worked out, and got online to register. Then I found out I can't take more than 11.999 hours per semester unless I show proof of 2 doses of the MMR vaccine. The thing that pisses me off is the only reason I have to show this proof is because I received my GED. At this school, if you graduated between '78 and '99, you only have to show proof of one dose (which is what I have). But if you graduated after '99 OR got your GED, you have to show proof of two doses. I was supposed to graduate in '97, but actually received my GED in '96. So I really fail to see what the fact that I got my GED has to do with how many doses of a vaccination I got when I was a kid. Did they give me a different dose or something, knowing that 17 years down the road I'd get my GED instead of graduating with a diploma? It's insane.

So, for now, I'm registered for 9 hours. I'll go on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and take Intro to Visual Arts, Intro to Literary Genres, and Spanish I. Those weren't my first picks of what to take, but there wasn't a whole lot left by the time I was able to register.

I also found out that when I took the placement test for the college back in 2000, I was deficient in the Reading portion of the test, along with the Math portion. I fulfilled the Math deficiencies (Elementary and Intermediate Algebra) when I went in 2001, but no one ever told me this. Plus, the fact that I was deficient in two subjects, requires me to take a class called Learning Strategies. This also pisses me off, because I could have finished these classes already if I'd known I had to take them, but the main thing that makes me mad is that I am an excellent reader (not to toot my own horn)! I really don't understand how I could have failed the Reading portion. I can pay $20 and retake the reading portion the next time they have the placement tests, and if I test out of it this time, those two deficiencies will be removed and I won't have to take those two classes. I plan to do that, because I'm sure I will test out this time. I'm wondering if there wasn't some kind of mess up, seeing as I was never told about those developmental classes before. The college changed computer systems recently, so it makes it suspect.

I just hope nothing else comes up before school starts. I'll start on August 28, so just over two weeks. I qualify for some financial aid, but it won't let me accept the award on the website. I've got to call the Financial Aid Office on Monday and see what's up with that. Since I'll be a student this fall, I'll have priority registration for spring, so hopefully I won't have a bunch of bullshit to go through when it's time to register for spring. And I will definitely finish this time, because no way do I want to go through the whole enrollment process ever again!

Back to school

Back to school time is always fun, right? Shopping for school supplies, backpacks, lunchboxes, clothes, shoes. A fun time is had by all. Until it's not. I always start out the annual shopping day with high hopes and spirits. Until we hit the first store. Three kids scatter across the store grabbing what they need and/or want, yelling at Mom to come help them find this or that. It's about ten minutes into the first store that Mom starts to get a headache, starts to lose her patience, and get a little irritated.

Needless to say, we did some shopping over the weekend. We just went for clothes and shoes, since I don't have supply lists yet. We went to the shoe store first. I thought ahead for once and had Darrell take Maggie to another store while the rest of us got shoes. Maggie has a thing for shoes and she would have had a classic 2 year old tantrum if she had been in there with us and not got shoes. Then we went to Ross, which is sort of like a Big Lots for clothes. They have good name brands for a fraction of the retail price. You can get excellent deals there. We got Hunter everything he needs to start the year off (he'll need more winter clothes later). Darrell ducked out of that store shortly after we got in there, but he took Maggie with him again, thank goodness. Shelby stayed with me to whine about wanting toys, which I had already told them we were not buying.

Next we went to TJ Maxx to look for Kenzie's stuff. We found her everything she needed there, which was pretty much just shorts. I made Shelby stay in the truck with Darrell, but took Maggie in with me, under the condition that she had to ride in the cart. She was just fine in that store, while it was Hunter who was bugging me for non-clothes.

At that point, we still needed to swing by Wal-Mart for socks and underwear, but I was already worn out. We'd been shopping for about 2 1/2 hours, and I was wiped. Shopping with the children is hard work! So, we stopped by a friends house and visited for a little bit and came home. I'm glad to have all that finished, and the only things we have left are the incidentals, and of course supplies.

Today we did absolutely nothing. I decided to be lazy and stayed in bed until 2 PM. I cleaned on the house a little bit and did some laundry, and cooked supper late. Tomorrow, and all week, we're supposed to all get up early so that we can ready ourselves for school starting next Monday. I always have that plan, but it never seems to actually happen. We usually go up to the day before school starts sleeping late, and then we have to adjust ourselves the first few days of school.

I got all my transcripts and things sent to Columbia State, so hopefully I'll be hearing something from them within the next few days. Wish me luck with that!

Today has been so lazy. The kids went out and played in the kiddie pool, and other than that we've done nothing. We all slept until around 11 AM, so we haven't even been up that long.

I've started a new blog! I decided to keep my weight loss stuff separate, so I made a new forum for it. It's called My Weight Loss Journey. I am putting it all out there, and am really only looking for support. I know some of my eating habits aren't all that great, and my water intake is sucking so far, and exercise is pretty much nil, but I'm just working on small things at a time, so I just need support, not criticism, even the constructive kind. I am very sensitive over my weight issues, so it was a huge step just for me to do this, and I'm feeling kind of fragile and exposed.

Shelby stayed up all.night.long last night. Like I've said in earlier posts, her sleep schedule has been messed up ever since she had her surgery. Last night, Darrell fell asleep on the couch. About 1:00, I went to bed, and I just let him sleep because he was wore out from work yesterday, and he was sleeping deeply. I told Shelby (who was still up at this point), to come into my bed with me and go to sleep. She did, but at around 1:30, she decided she wanted to sleep in the living room with Darrell. I told her to go in there and lay down and go.to.sleep. Next thing I know it's 4:30 AM, I hear a loud noise from the living room, so I go in there, and she's still up!! I do not take well to getting woke up in the middle of the night over nonsense, so I wasn't a happy camper, and neither was she once I got in there. I don't know what I'm going to do with that kid. I let her sleep for 6.5 hours, and then made her get up when I did. I had intended to make her get up by 9 AM, but since I was so tired, I didn't wake up!

We're getting a new bed tonight. Woot! My SIL's boyfriend bought a brand new queen size bed for his son, and for some reason they aren't using it, so they offered it to us. I am SO glad. I have no problems with our current bed really, but Darrell hates it. But this way, we're going to give Hunter our bed, and his bed will get passed to Kenzie, whose bed will go to Shelby. It's musical beds! ;)

Weight update

I went ahead and weighed this morning, just for the heck of it, and I've lost 4.5 pounds! Woot!

I've been busy over the weekend, and not so much this week, but I haven't had much to write about. I got a letter from the college on Saturday that I had to send my high school and GED transcripts to them. I called on Monday, because they should still have that stuff, but found out that they purge all those records after 5 years. So I called the high school on Tuesday and had them send that transcript, and had to go to the Technology Center today in person to have my GED transcript sent. There's also a form about Hepatitis B that I have to mail back. I need to do that tomorrow so they'll have it by Friday.

I've been getting the kids some school stuff together, a bit at a time. We bought Shelby a backpack with detachable lunchbox on eBay the other night. It should get here by the weekend, I'd think. She wanted the type where the lunchbox attaches to the backpack for this year. It'll be easier to carry, too, and one less thing to hang on her hook at school. They had a general supply list in the newspaper, so I went ahead and got her a folder, crayons, glue, school box, scissors, and markers. I think the only thing I'm lacking for her is a nap mat, and then the requisite hand sanitizer, Kleenex, etc. I went through clothes today, and she has enough clothes to last her the whole school year. I got her some stuff on clearance a few weeks ago, and I had a whole tote full of size 6 clothes in the shed, complete with three jackets and a coat. Score!

I won't know what Mackenzie will need until we get the list from her teacher. She wants to start buying stuff so bad, but I'm not going to buy stuff we "might" need, and then not need it. The Intermediate and Middle schools have an open house on August 2nd, so hopefully we'll find out her teacher and maybe even get her supply list that night. We should have the tax free weekend that weekend, as well, so that'll be nice. We're going this weekend to finish getting clothes for Hunter and Mackenzie, and shoes for all of them. Hunter and Kenzie are using their backpacks from last year since they're still in good shape. I do have to get Hunter another lunchbox, though. I didn't really like the one he used last year. Mackenzie eats her lunch at school.

They also had a general supply list for the middle school at Wal-Mart. It wasn't very big, really. It was stuff like a 3" binder, enough dividers for 6 classes, loose leaf paper, and a calculator. I think there might have been another thing or two, but I can't remember. I think I'll just wait until the open house for that, too. Hopefully we'll get Hunter's supply list at that time, as well.

Well, my house is destroyed once again. Okay, not destroyed, but definitely not as clean as it was last week. My niece was here yesterday, I watched her for my sister while she worked. She's spending the night tonight so I can watch her again tomorrow. I am really not fond of babysitting, but I know she doesn't have a whole lot of options for childcare, and I want to help her out where I can. She has been applying for nursing school, and today she got the letter that she got in! I am so excited for her. She's been a CNA at the local nursing home for the past two years. She'll go to the local Technology Center for her classes, starting September 4. She'll be done next August and she'll be an LPN. And, she'll be making almost double what she makes now. The nursing home she works for is paying for her school, minus a few things that hopefully she can cover with scholarships and grants. She'll have to stay there for 1 year after she finishes school, and then she's free to look elsewhere if she wants to. I am just so happy for her, she deserves this.

I made a decision Monday to get back in shape (again). I went grocery shopping and got whole wheat bread, low fat yogurt, and healthier snack type stuff. Snacking is my downfall, so I got several 100 calorie pack type snacks. 100 calorie cookies and popcorn, Weight Watchers muffins and carrot cake snacks, and Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches. I had one of those tonight and man, are they good! I hid them in the bottom of the freezer under the broccoli, so no one should find them there. Ha! I have yet to get back into the exercise groove, but I will. I want to take this slow and one step at a time this time, and make it stick. I will probably work more on getting my food under control, and then start incorporating exercise. I'm setting small goals to start with, my first being ten pounds. I even made a little ticker, that I'll probably keep up with here.

Well, I think I've talked enough for one night! This will teach me to wait nearly a week between posts! Goodnight!

I'm a cleaning fool!

For some reason, I got it in my head that my whole house needed to be cleaned from top to bottom, so I've been working on that this week. I've got a lot of it done, but I've been leaving the major rooms for last. Those being Shelby & Maggie's bedroom, and my & Darrell's bedroom. Those will probably take me a good two full days to do. Between that and taking care of Shelby, I haven't carved out any time to blog this week.

Shelby is doing good. She was great over the weekend, and then on Monday morning she started having pain again. She seems to be worse early in the morning, I imagine her throat hurts worse first thing in the morning. She's had to have pain meds upon waking up for the past three days. Yesterday she was feeling yucky all day, until around 5 PM. I hope she'll start feeling better again in the morning.

Mackenzie is coming home tomorrow, two weeks early. I'm glad, really, I've missed her. She isn't ready to come home, but my niece is homesick, so my sister is going to get her. I'm just having Mackenzie ride back with Amy, so that's all taken care of for me. My mom asked me if we could wait until next week, and she would meet me halfway, but I'm ready for her to come home now. School starts in about 3 1/2 weeks, so we have stuff to do to get ready for that. I want her to go through her clothes and see what still fits and what doesn't, so I know what I need to buy. We're going to let my niece use the clothes she doesn't fit into anymore, to help save my sister some money. She has so many clothes that only her favorite things really get any wear on them. The stuff I like the best I will put up for Shelby. :)

I checked my application for school on Monday, and it is now showing as processed. So I'm hoping I'll get a letter by the end of the week. I don't think there'll be any problem being accepted. For one thing, it's a community college, not a private university. I was a student there before, and my grades and everything are in good standing. My GPA from my three semesters there is a 3.450, and that includes an F that I got when I dropped a telecourse I took the semester I was pregnant with and then had Shelby.

As soon as the kids' school starts up, I'm going to go up and apply to substitute teach. If I can get my school schedule worked out the way I want it, I'll be taking three classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, and a fourth class online. That will put me only driving to Columbia for school two days a week, and leave three days open for subbing. If I can sub an average of two days per week, that'll have me bringing in around $300-350 extra per month. Nothing major, but it'll help. And on the plus side, it'll hopefully help me get my foot in the door after I finish school, to get a teaching job here. The closer it gets to starting, the more nervous I'm getting. I'm going to have to sit the family down and have a discussion about helping out this fall, and I'll have to get us on a strict schedule so I can keep the house clean, keep up with school, and spend time with my kids and husband. It'll be so worth it when I finish and have my degree. I'll just have to keep that in mind during these next 2-3 years.

What a day!

After only four hours of sleep Wednesday night, I was so exhausted yesterday. I got to be the one to drive to Nashville and back again, so that didn't help anything. Shelby's surgery went really well. She did fabulously for the staff, and in recovery. All the staff at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital is just amazing. I would absolutely want to take any of my kids back there if they need surgery for anything in the future.

She's doing great today, too. Her throat isn't hurting as bad, but her ears have bothered her today. We've still been dosing her with her pain meds regularly, and we'll probably switch to an as needed basis tomorrow. She was able to eat a bit of solid foods this evening, and I'm hoping it'll be better tomorrow. Maggie has been jealous that Shelby seems to be getting more attention today, and she got a balloon and new doll from my SIL. I told Maggie if she has surgery, she'll get a balloon and new toy. Heh. Of course she doesn't understand what I'm talking about.

I've got to get my house cleaned up tomorrow. It was pretty neat before we left yesterday, but last night and today especially it's gotten pretty well trashed. I've been tired, because even though I was so sleepy last night, I was woken up pretty regularly by this or that, so I only got 3 full, uninterrupted hours of sleep from 7-10 AM this morning. The rest of the night was broken up into chunks of an hour or so at a time. I kind of expected that on the first night, though. Hopefully tonight I can get a full night of sleep!

Ready for the "big day"

We are all ready for Shelby's surgery tomorrow. We filled up with gas, got ice cream and popsicles, and all kids are deposited, or ready to be deposited, at the places they're staying tomorrow. I'm nervous, but I know things will go well. We're having it done at one of the best children's hospitals in the country, and it's a routine procedure. Darrell is having major anxiety over it, so I'm trying to not voice any concerns or fears I have. There's no use in both of us being like that, and I don't want Shelby to pick up on any nervousness from us. She seems to view it as a big adventure, and isn't even scared of having an IV inserted.

Nothing interesting happened today, unless you count Maggie's screaming fit all the way through Wal-Mart because I wouldn't buy her any candy. 2 year olds, ya gotta love 'em.

I'll update as soon as I can either tomorrow evening or Friday. Think good thoughts for us!

A Good Sanity Day

Today was a good day. It's pretty laid back around here the last few days. Mackenzie is at my mom's house until the end of July. Hunter goes to work with Darrell during the day, so it's just been Shelby, Maggie and I at home. We slept in this morning, then I and they both needed a shower, so I put them in the shower with me. That was an experience, and not something that I plan on doing again. I ended up shaving my legs in cold water, after getting them both washed up and out of the tub.

We went to Wal-Mart after that and the grocery store to pick up a few things. They played together for a while after we got home and now they're outside on the swingset. Of course, the real challenge with those two will come tonight when it's time for bed. It is so hard to get them to settle down and go to sleep these days. It's those times that I wish they had separate bedrooms.

Tomorrow is going to be fun. Shelby is having her tonsils out Thursday, so tomorrow we have a lot of running to do to get ready. I told her we'd go to the movie store and let her pick out some movies to watch over the weekend, and we have to get some ice cream, popsicles and juices for her to eat and drink for the first day or two. I have to fill the truck up with gas, and get all of Maggie's stuff ready for going to my friend Dawn's house while we're at the hospital. It's going to be a long day, and I'm dreading it, but I know she needs it. I'll just be glad for it to be over. Funnily enough, the thing I'm dreading most is keeping her from eating or drinking anything after midnight tomorrow night. Like I said before, she's very sneaky, so I'm going to have to keep a hawk eye on her, and hopefully get her to bed before midnight. I'm going to let her sleep in on Thursday until just before time to leave so we won't have to worry about her wanting breakfast. We have a two hour drive to the hospital though, so I know she'll be whining about being thirsty and hungry long before we get there.

So, today was pretty boring, but I wanted to get in the habit of updating. I'll try to post tomorrow, and then I'll update Thursday as soon as I can. I'm not sure when we'll be home, or how Shelby will be doing, so it may be Friday before I have the energy.

A New Start

I just realized it's been over two years since I posted anything in this blog. I think I want to start again, but you know me. I've decided to try and take my blog in a little different direction, mostly about parenting, and the craziness that goes on in my house. I affectionately call our house a zoo, it's very loud and chaotic around here pretty much all the time between the hours of 8 AM - midnight.

Since I'm starting anew, I'll reintroduce myself. I'm Paula, 28 year old sahm (stay-at-home mother) to four kids. My husband, Darrell, and I have been married for 11.5 years. I've been a sahm the vast majority of that time. I worked part time at a video rental store from June '06 through March '07. There's a long story in there, but I don't feel like going into it.

Now, for the ones that my blog will mostly revolve around, my children:

My oldest, and only son, Hunter, is 11. He's at that adolescent angsty, full of attitude age. As far as he is concerned, life is so unfair if he doesn't get to do 100% of the things he would like to do. I think he's hitting puberty full on and it's showing. I can let him do 8 out of 10 things he asks to do, and he'll just complain about the two things he wasn't allowed to do. But he does have his moments. He is very sweet, giving and loving. When he wants to be.

My oldest daughter is 10. She and her brother are only 11 months apart, and they were our only children for 5 years. Mackenzie is a pretty typical ten year old. She loves to read, and play with her toys, and fight with her siblings. She is hitting that moody sort of age, where she can't decide whether she likes us or hates us. If we don't let her do something she wants to do, then we hate her. See how that works?

Shelby is 5. She is very hard to describe. She's a very independent, mischeivous, strong willed, sneaky little girl. She and her little sister are the ones that really keep me on my toes. She gets into everything. She's the child you have to watch 24 hours a day to keep her out of trouble. She is also very smart, inventive, and hilarious.

Maggie is 2.5. She's a pretty typical toddler. Shelby is teaching her everything she knows, and they love to tag team me. She's too smart for her own good. She idolizes Shelby and will do anything Shelby asks her to do. Or tells her, mostly. We're currently working on potty training Maggie. I will be glad to have this done, then I can be finished with diapers for good. I think she's ready, it's more dependent on me to take her.

As you can see, I pretty much have my hands full. I will start attending classes at a community college in August, and I'm scared about dealing with regular household things, class, and the kids. I plan to use this blog as a place for venting, and helping me to get through these next few years while going to school full-time and parenting four active children.

Food is my master...

How does food have such control over my life? How? I have completely lost control over myself this week. I didn't even weigh in this morning. I weighed on Wednesday and had gained back 1.5 pounds. This sucks! Why do I let food control me like this? I was watching that reality show on VH1 where the celebrities are competing to lose weight. The one lady that used to do the Snapple commercials was on there, she was big and I thought surely she weighed over 300 pounds. They weighed her and she was 245 pounds. OMG. That is what I look like. I look like her. I thought she looked huge, and I LOOK LIKE THAT. I keep waffling, going back and forth between fuck it and I can do this. The fuck it moments are easier to give in to, hmm. This pisses me off. I can't even run and keep up with my 3 y/o! If she takes off running, I cannot catch her. So, I've decided to lay it all out on the line. I am restarting first thing Monday morning. I am going to set specific goals, daily goals, at least until I have a handle on things. On Monday, I will:

• drink *1* Diet Dr. Pepper and then water or Crystal Light the rest of the day
• not eat any junk food: cakes, candies, chips, etc
• eat small portions
• get in at least 30 minutes of exercise

I'm going to start planning out my food for the entire day the night before, and stick to that menu. This is what I'm going to do.

I have to do this. I have to, I have to, I have to. I just have to grab it by the horns and resist. It's all about will power. I managed to quit smoking with a smoker around me, and that is an actual addiction! I can do this. I want to look pretty again. I want to not be embarrassed by how I look. I don't want to be self-conscious all the time. I want to be able to run and catch my 3 y/o.

Oh yeah, and Delphi is pissing me off this evening!

Washclothes in the toilet, and other adventures with Shelby

My third child is going to cause me to be grey before I am thirty. She has driven me completely batty this week. First of all, she has this huge attitude, and she's not even three yet! She's learned the lovely words 'stupid' and 'shut-up', and she loves to let me hear them. Her older brother and sister laugh and egg her on, so it's not as easy as all that to get her to stop. Additionally, she thinks she is as old as and can do the same things as her older brother and sister. Which leads to her getting into all kinds of stuff and making all kinds of huge messes, which I then get the great pleasure of cleaning up.

Her latest thing was to go into the bathroom earlier this week, stuff around an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet, and flush. Which then overflowed the toilet. So, some bright person put carpet in the bathroom, which is now soaking wet. I have to use a lot of towels, most of them clean, to sop up the mess, and put a fan in to dry the floor. It finally gets dry, then she goes in on Thursday evening and flushes a washcloth down the toilet. So it overflows again. I was so pissed. I cannot convey in words how pissed I was. We could not use that toilet for the rest of the night or all day yesterday. Darrell finally pulled the toilet up last night and got the washrag out. Luckily it was still in the toilet and not in the pipes. And I have finally almost caught up my laundry from having to use all my damn towels to sop up the mess. I folded 5 loads of clothes this evening, and the last one is in the dryer.

Maggie had her 4 month well baby visit yesterday. She is 16 lb., 13 oz. and 26.25". I am going to go sometime this month and buy Shelby a new carseat, and give hers to Maggie. I'm selling the infant carrier. I had really hoped to get more than 4 months out of the infant seat. I only got 4 months out of Shelby's too, come to think of it. Maggie is at the top of the chart for both weight and height. She had three shots yesterday, and has been incredibly cranky since then. I've pretty much kept her dosed with Tylenol since we got home yesterday afternoon. This afternoon, she cried for 30 minutes or so, loudly and uncontrollably. I was holding her but she wouldn't be consoled, she wouldn't nurse or anything. I finally got her to settle down and she went to sleep for about 4 hours. I held her for most of that time because I was afraid if I laid her down, she'd wake up and be fussy again. I was surprised when she nursed and went back to sleep by 8:30 for the night. I laid her down in the bed and she's still there at 11:15. That's why I was able to fold all those clothes. ;p

This diet is kicking my ass. I am eating things I know I cannot control myself with, like pizza. I have done good for probably 4 days of the past week, the first 4 days. These last three days I have had horrible will power. I've just got to do it. I do not want to end this year as big as I am now. I have a goal of 80 pounds by October, and then just try to maintain that loss through the holidays. I lost 4.5 pounds this week. The first week last year, I lose 11 pounds. I'm worried that breastfeeding an infant is going to hinder me more than breastfeeding a toddler did last year. But, on the other hand, I did not cheat in the first week like I did this year. I suck. I'm gonna get my shit together this week. I can do this.

And, the letdown...

And, the letdown. . .

Does anyone else feel this huge letdown after Christmas is over? I mean, there is this great, huge, l o n g leadup, and then it's over (snap!), just like that. I think I enjoy the anticipation of it more than the actual day. I love the Christmas season. I do not like seeing my friends stressed, but for me, I just refuse to get that way. Okay, I did for about a day when it was looking like we couldn't get the kids anything, but usually I'm not like that. I just love the spirit of the season, the feeling in the air, the lights, and songs on the radio. Getting cards in the mail, and getting to put my snowman collection out. It's like with the dinner. I cooked on Christmas day from around 8 AM until about 1:30 or 2 PM, when we ate. It takes so long to cook this huge dinner, and we're finished and I'm packing it all away within a half hour of finishing. It's just so... anti-climactic.

So anyway, the party on Wednesday went okay. It actually did not stop raining and we had to leave early due to things getting icy. I did not want to get stuck in a ditch in 30 degree (and dropping) weather, with four kids. There was already ice on the trees and grass as we went through town, and our porch was slushy when we got here. By Thursday morning, oh yeah, there was ice everywhere, with a thin layer of snow on top. Some of it is actually, amazingly, still out there. So, I can officially say that Christmas 2004 was a white one! :-)

I am in the organizing mood today! I cleaned the house up (except for my bedroom, which gets a whole day to itself), and even organized the cabinet in my laundry room. Before the end of the week, I am going to clean out my closet. I am purging - we simply do not have room to keep clothes we don't wear, junk we don't use, things we don't need. So it's all going. If I can sell it, I will. If not, off to Goodwill it goes. I'm going to organize Darrell's tools for him - he can never find a damn thing because he has about, oh, 3,000 places he sets stuff when he's finished. I'm going to try to work out some sort of system for tools he uses a lot, etc. Of course, him putting them back where they go is entirely up to him. But I'll put him a system in place. If he doesn't follow it, I don't want to hear the standard bitching when he can't find (insert tool here). I want to get all of this finished before New Year's Eve. I don't know why exactly, I just want to have everything in order by the new year.

The kids had a wonderful Christmas Day. I wish we had gotten Hunter something else besides a Gameboy, though. Since we got them the GameCube from Santa, he's barely touched his GB. Of course, when we bought the GB, we didn't know we were going to buy a GC for all of them. Oh well, he'll have the GB when he gets tired of MarioKart (that's the only game they have right now), and he can use it in the van on trips and such. Mackenzie loved, loved, loved her Easy Bake Oven. She had to make a little cake as soon as all the present opening was finished. And Shelby got 5 dolls for Christmas. Combined with the ones she already had, she doesn't know which one to put in her stroller first. LOL If I had known so many people would get her dolls, we would have just gotten her more accessories to go with them. For her birthday, I think we'll get her some, maybe a doll carseat, and some diapers. Those are two things that she loves to use of Maggie's. I don't let her use the diapers - too expensive. But everytime I go to put Maggie in her seat, a doll is buckled up in there. Ha!

I must hit the hay now. I just realized it's midnight! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and I hope 2005 holds lots of good things for you. :o)

We Three Things:
For Kim..

Three names you go by: Mom, Paula, Momma

Three screennames you have: paula46, pkeeton, pmkeeton (How creative I am!)

Three things you like about yourself: sense of humor, giving nature, ability to look at a situation from different perspectives

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself: my intense dislike of confrontation. Not that being confrontational is a good thing, but I have a hard time speaking up even when it's warranted. Also, my lack of patience and my weight.

Three parts of your heritage: Spanish, Native American, and Scottish

Three things that scare you: something happening to my kids or husband, dying slowly and painfully, and tornados

Three of your everyday essentials: the internet, Diet Dr. Pepper, squishy, kissy cheeks

Three things you are wearing right now: t-shirt, pajama pants, bra

Three of your favorite bands/artists at the moment: Maroon 5, Sara Evans, Montgomery Gentry

Three of your favorite songs at present: Suds in the Bucket, Mr. Mom, Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)

Three things you want to try in the next 12 months: photography, sewing, scrapbooking

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given) : trust, laughter, friendship

Two truths and a lie: I speak three languages, I lost my virginity at 13, I was in the color guard in high school

Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeals to you: hands, butt, face

Three things you just can't do: sing, dance, almost anything involving coordination

Three of your favorite hobbies: surfing the net, reading, and decorating

Three things you want to do really badly right now: Build onto the house, win the lottery, build onto the house (I really want that badly)

Three careers you're considering: Hmm. Mommy, teacher, office management

Three places you want to go on vacation: France, Australia, Canada

Three kids names: Drew, Hannah, Sylvia

Three things you want to do before you die: take a real vacation, build onto the house, not be poor. Poor sucks ass.

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die a slow orgasmic death: Hell, do I know anyone who hasn't taken it by now?

Fun with Family...
So, who all is trying to deal with their families with the holiday fast approaching? I'm lucky, in that I don't have the familial problems that some do. And it helps that we don't go anywhere on Christmas, so there are no arguments about whose house we are going to, and how long we are going to stay at any one place. Most of my mom's family is going to my great-aunt's house in Dyersburg on Christmas day, my mom included. So we had a dinner at my mom's last Saturday and exchanged gifts then. She got Hunter a race track and made him a pair of pajamas. For Kenzie was a Polly Pocket set and a handmade poncho. Shelby got the most - a baby doll, poncho, robe, and quilt (the last three things were made by my mom). She made Maggie a quilt as well, and Darrell a pair of lounging/pajama pants. And she made me a quilt also. The lady that Mom was working for gave Kenzie a porcelian doll, and Hunter $10.

Tonight (12/22) is my family Christmas party. We're going to my great-grandparents house for it. We started doing a party last year, since a lot of times we all don't make it together for Christmas day. This way, we can visit and see each other, regardless of our Christmas plans. This year, we are bringing a generic, same sex gift, that way everyone that comes gets a gift. The kids are not exchanging gifts, my Granny has something planned for them. I have a tart burner to give from me, and we bought a cologne gift set to give from Darrell. I wonder how many of the men are going to get cologne. LOL

Darrell's family doesn't do anything like that. We never get together on his side of the family. Even if you do try to make it on the actual holiday to have dinner, everyone eats as they come in and then they leave. We went up on Thanksgiving by noon, and no one was there. But when everyone is there anyway, it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Our families are definitely polar opposites. My kids are loud like me. :D

It is 10:10 AM and Shelby is still asleep. I don't believe this. Usually 9 is the latest she'll sleep in. Mackenzie is at my mom's, she spent the night last night, and Maggie is napping, so it's just me and Hunter. Darrell is working today. Hunter is finally eating some breakfast, we played Go-fish for a while this morning, and he had to feed the dog. It's raining today, although the temperature is supposed to drop and turn to snow sometime this evening or tonight. We're forecasted for "up to 1"" LOL I figure the rain will be gone by the time the temps drop, that's how it usually goes. I don't ever remember seeing a white Christmas, and I don't expect for it to happen this year either. Our Christmas Eve and Day temps are only in the low 20s though (highs), so if it did snow, we might keep it around until Christmas. Maybe. It flurried the other day, but just for a bit and of course nothing stuck.

Well, I should go do laundry before the girls wake up...

Back in the swing of things...
Okay, it's me again. To update from my last post in July -- I never did get a baby shower. Which was fine by me. Really. The bastard still hasn't gone to trial, either, but he didn't make bail. He can rot in jail forever as far as I'm concerned. I am not pregnant anymore (Hee!), and I passed the three hour GTT. And I didn't get that diaper bag, it went for way more than I was willing to give for a bag.

The kids are finishing up school this week. Tomorrow is a full day, Hunter has his Christmas party. We made cupcakes tonight. I made them, then Hunter frosted them and decorated them with green sugar. I have to take them up there for the party tomorrow. I'm having Mom watch Shelby since Darrell is working tomorrow. I don't know if I could manage to carry Maggie, cupcakes, and keep up with Shelby all on my own. I should probably take the Snugli for Maggie - I hope I don't forget it.

It's cold! Yesterday it was only about 33­° for the high, and it was 19° when I walked the kids to the school bus this morning. We put a blanket out in Princess' dog house, and Darrell put a heat lamp in there too. She did alright, although her water was frozen in the bowl this morning. It finally feels like winter anyway! Last Thursday was our town's Christmas parade, and it was cold then too, but not as bad. I bundled Maggie up in her snowsuit and put a blanket over her, and she stayed toasty through the whole thing. I've never had a teeny baby in the winter before, I had all the other kids at the very tail-end of winter (for our area anyway).

Well, I could probably ramble on for a while about nothing in particular, but I won't bore you. :) I do want to say though, I got a Christmas card from my SIL the other day, and my brother has been shipped back out to Iraq, so please keep him and all the military people in your thoughts this holiday season.

So, I'm back. Geez, it's been a long time since I've made an entry. I didn't realize it had been that long! A lot has went on since July. The kids started school, I had a baby, holidays, Darrell's been sick. I kept meaning to come post an update and then I'd think of all the things I had to update and it would just overwhelm me and I'd put it off again. Plus, I'm just not much of a writer, and I feel like my entries are boring as hell. Heh. It's been so long that I put in the wrong username to sign into my account. I thought they had deleted me. Haha!

I'm going to try to start posting regularly again. Maybe just a couple of times a week - it's not like I lead such an exciting life to post everyday. :)

I'll end with the most exciting thing that's happened all year: the birth of Margaret Emily, AKA Maggie. Born September 7, 2004 at 11:23 A.M., weighing 7 pounds, 15 ounces - 20 inches long.

Well, there was no baby shower yesterday. Stacey called me on Friday and said she hadn't been able to get a building reserved. She was going to keep trying to get ahold of the park manager and schedule it for August 1. We'll see though, I guess, Stacey is notoriously slow. I'm going ahead and buying things I need, I'm not counting on being given anything at a shower. Just in case. :)

I had a Dr. appointment today. I am 32 weeks pregnant now, in 50 days I'll be having a baby! I gained two pounds at this visit, and found out I failed the one hour glucose test. So I have to go take the three hour test at some point this week or next. Blech. I hope this one comes back okay and I do not have gestational diabetes. That would surely suck. But I'd deal with it, of course.

There was another preliminary hearing today. I don't know what all happened, but Danny said that they set bail at $250,000. WTF is that? I thought, in general, murder suspects don't get bail. So we don't know if he's out now or what. What kind of scary thought is that? I was scared enough with him being IN jail. Geez. I think you have to come up with 10% or something like that to be bonded out. I don't think his family has that kind of money, but still, why did they set bail at all? They haven't reported anything about it on the news, heck, they haven't reported on any of it since the actual murders. There was another case recently in a neighboring town where a guy broke in and shot his wife, daughter and son. The wife and daughter died. They reported on finding the guy, all his hearings, the funerals for the women, the son testifying against his father, etc. I don't know how they choose what to report on, but I would think this case was newsworthy. Of course it may all be in how open the family is to keeping the media informed. But anyway. That was a pretty pointless ramble. Heh.

I guess that's it for tonight. I'm waiting for an auction to end, it's a diaper bag with a matching small bag for a child. It is such a cute set, and it can be used as a purse after the baby doesn't need a diaper bag anymore. So cute! Here's the auction: Link It's at $20.50 right now though, and I'm not giving an outrageous amount for a bag, so I may not win it. But one can hope. :)

I am starting to feel so uncomfortable. The baby is mostly all up in the top part of my belly, or it feels that way anyway. My stomach is mostly popped out at the top too, not at the bottom at all. I'm sure I look odd. Heh. Last night I felt so bloated, all the pizza I ate probably didn't help, but still. I've recently started waking up a lot at night too. I can't stay comfortable. I probably wake up 5-6 times a night anymore. Our air conditioner is still fucked up and we're lucky if we can keep it at 80* in the daytime in here -- which is nowhere near as cool as I like it to be. I'll be glad for this baby to be born, and then for winter to get here. This summer baby shit is for the birds.

I had to go do my glucose testing yesterday. Luckily my OB arranged for me to do it at a local clinic, so I wouldn't have to drive up there and then hang out for an hour after drinking that stuff. So I got up early and went and did it. I was so hungry and so thirsty by the time they finally drew the blood and I could eat. I hope the results are good, I do not want to experience the three hour test.

Mackenzie and I went and did some school shopping yesterday, too. We got her two pair of jeans (one khaki and one blue), a pair of capri pants, four shirts and some socks. She also got a new backpack, her's from last year broke midway through the year and she had to use her one from Kindergarten (which was one of the clear-types) to finish the year. Hunter still has his from 2nd grade that he can reuse. I told her I want her to use this one for two years also. Heh. I went ahead and picked up some glue and crayons too, since I know some of the basics of what she'll need. I have no clue what Hunter will need.

I found some good deals on shorts for Hunter, too. They are clearancing a lot of summer stuff, so I got him two pairs of shorts for $5 each (the capri pants for Kenzie were also clearanced at $11). Unfortunately one pair is too small, so I have to take them back and exchange them today. Then I also got him four shirts and socks. He doesn't like one of the shirts, so it has to go back today too. It was a clearance shirt at $3, so I don't know if I'll be able to find something to replace it. I considered keeping it and putting it up on Ebay, but it's only a $6 shirt to begin with, so I don't know what I'd get out of it. It is so hard to get Hunter's sizing right. He wears different sizes in different brands. In Faded Glory shorts/pants, he wears an 8 Husky. But in Bugle Boy, he wears a 12 Husky! Can you believe the difference? Crazy. The shorts that are too small are a BB 12, which according to the tag is for boys 73-85 pounds or something like that. The Husky size is for 73-95 pounds, and Hunter is 94 pounds. I don't know why I didn't realize when I was buying that I was picking a 12H and a regular 12 and that one of them would either be too small or too big. Duh me. Heh.

So anyway, that'll get them started. They do have a few things left from the summer that are still in good school shape. They'll both need new shoes and underwear before their first day, though. I wish they'd put the supply lists out a few weeks early so I could go ahead and be buying that stuff, but they wait until a couple of days before school starts.

We've been here a week now. It's okay, I don't miss the other place as much as I thought I would. I was just so used to it, and it was our first place together. :) This place is smaller, but it has more room. Well, in spots anyway. Heh. The living room is considerably bigger, and so is the master bedroom. The kitchen, on the other hand, is teeny, and the bathroom would make a nice closet. One thing that sucks is when we remodel I can't make the kitchen any bigger, because the bar that separates the living room and kitchen is load bearing. But, since I won't need the space on the other side of the room for a table, we can add cabinets and counterspace around two more walls. It ought to all work out in the end. :)

I got Mackenzie's softball pictures back today. They are so good! I hate buying pictures ahead of time like that, cause then you're stuck with them even if they stink. Heh. I let her hang the group pic in her room and I kept the one of her alone in the living room. If and when we hook the printer back up, I'll scan it in. It'd make a good sig on the forums. :)

I need to call my sister about my baby shower. When she found out I was pregnant in January, she immediately said 'good, now we can have another baby shower'. I did not mention it or even bring it up, it was purely her idea. She set the date for July 18 and was telling me all this stuff she had done for it, favors and gifts she'd bought, and game ideas, etc. She was bugging me for the guest list in MAY! I didn't even get a registry set up until the first part of June. I put her off on that because I didn't want people to get the invitation two months ahead of time and then forget about the shower. So now it's supposed to be on Sunday. I ran into my grandmother at Wal-Mart on Friday evening and guess what? She hasn't gotten an invitation yet! Now come on! I was purposely putting buying some stuff off because I wanted to see what I'd have after the shower. I could have been buying those things! This is highly irritating. If she didn't want to or couldn't have me a shower, that is absolutely fine. I never expected one anyway, this IS my fourth child afterall. But if you're going to make a big fuss about it, then follow through dammit! I know she's busy with her husband's lawnmower racing, and they travel out of town many a weekend to go to races. Heck, I would have filled out the invites and mailed them if she'd let me know she couldn't do it. I assumed they'd been mailed out weeks ago. Now I'm wondering if she even reserved a building at the park to have the shower in. I need to call her, I'm not going to be rude or accuse, I'm just going to ask her which building she reserved and we'll go from there. I guess I should have went ahead and gave her the guest list in May, she may have got the invitations mailed by mid-June!

My kids go back to school if 4 - count 'em: one, two, three, four - weeks. I have to say that I am ready. It has been so boring this summer, I am hot and irritable and my patience is very thin lately. And all they can seem to do is pick, pick, pick, pick, fucking pick. I want to ring their necks sometimes. I made them sit in the living room floor the other day and hold hands for a while. LOL I was just at my wits' end with what to do with them. It is just constantly something, and it's usually over nothing. It is just so stupid - if one of them does something, the other has to criticize it. If one of them is whistling, or singing, or sitting the wrong damn way, well you know it just irritates the other one and it must.stop.NOW. They eye each other at every meal so they can tell the other one to stop chewing with their mouth open or whatnot. They remind me of the kids on the Sunny Delight commercial with the 'I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you' crap. Except in my house, the girl wouldn't be sitting there ignoring the boy, she'd be loudly protesting and then shoving or smacking him.

The hubby is home. More later.

How do people get big titles? I've seen blogs with each entry titled. Oh well, I probably couldn't come up with a good title for every entry anyway. :)

You know what I hate? Blobs of toothpaste left in the sink. God, my mind is all over the place. Haha.

My mom came and moved her own stuff, woohoo! I'm so glad I didn't have to do that and try to stuff it all in the shed. I hope she has her own place by Christmas though, because all of my Christmas decorations are in the shed, probably covered up by her stuff. That'll be fun to try to get to, I'm sure.

We've moved some stuff over there already. Stuff that we don't use, like all the baby's stuff is over there, some of the kids' toys, all my living room decorations. My living room looks so bare now. It's nice though, that I can do it a piece at a time, instead of boxing everything, then having to unpack and organize everything all at once. But of course all the biggest stuff has to come at the same time, like all the beds, furniture, tv, washer/dryer, computer. I'm dreading how crowded it's going to be, I hope it doesn't take us too long to get the addition built on.

I took a bunch of pictures of the whole thing empty the other day. Man, you can tell this thing was built right out of the '70s. The walls are all paneled, except in the bathroom where they have these horrid brown and blue flowers all over them. Then the kitchen has this ugly farm scene paneling. Nasty. The cabinets look like paneling, the linoleum in the kitchen is brick red, and the carpet is a orange/rust/red shag stuff. And I think appliances were smaller and people were shorter in the '70s. LOL We have to remove one of the cabinets to fit in our refrigerator, and I'm taller than the stove exhaust hood! Crazy. I'll be so, so very happy to remodel that section. I'm going to put up a website sometime with all the before pictures, then progress pictures, and finally the after shots. I'm anxious to get started and for it to be finished!

Well, I did it. I told Mom that she had to move her stuff out of the other trailer. I felt bad about it, I mean we did tell her she could stay there as long as she needed to. It just sucks that she already moved all her stuff in. I mean, the whole place is decorated and everything, even though there wasn't any water, electricity, septic, etc. And now she's told me she doesn't know if she'll be able to get her stuff packed before they leave for Michigan (on July 2nd). So, joy of joys, I'll most likely be the lucky gal that gets to pack up all her stuff and store it in the shed, then pack up and move my own stuff. We can't wait until she gets back at the end of July to start moving. No way. The kids start school August 6, and we want to be over there and as settled as possible before then.

There were no hard feelings, though, which is good. Well, I shouldn't say that, she may be pissed as hell at me but she hasn't said so. Ha! Seriously, I didn't bring up any of her actions or anything, I just told her that because of the financial situation and the shop potentially closing and all that, we needed to move over there and we needed to do it soon. She said she understood, we have to think about what is best for our family and not really worry about her. I still have that damn guilt complex that makes me feel bad about it. I try to talk myself out of it though. :)

I'll scan in the floorplans and all as soon as I get around to it. They're nothing professional, just a little piece I did on graph paper, just for reference. We're really lucky that Darrell knows how to do all this building stuff, we could never afford to hire all this stuff out.

We took the kids and went fishing last night up at Danny's pond. I took a book so I could read, but instead I spent the entire time keeping Shelby from falling in the water. She kept throwing all the rocks she could find in the water, which we all know is not good for catching fish. Heh. Mackenzie caught a bunch though, probably a good 7 or 8. They were all small brim, and some of them were no bigger than the ones in Darrell's fish tank. Heh. She had a good time though. She and Hunter learned how to bait their own hooks and cast out the line themselves. We've always done that for them before. The only thing they wouldn't do is actually take the fish off the hook. Heh.

After we got home, we watched 50 First Dates. It was really good. I figured it would be, I like both Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. And Rob Schneider was hilarious in it.

Wow, I just realized that the 4th of July is next weekend. I don't know what we're going to do. Last year, Mom was just starting to date Richard and they came down and we grilled out. Amy came down too, and that's the night she went home and got all sad cause she was all alone and called Danny. I've seen her once since then. Wow. I don't want to buy any fireworks, they're just a waste of money really. I don't know of any displays around here, there aren't any that I know of. They never put on anything like that. I wish the city would do a display up at the park or something. The kids love to watch fireworks. We'll think of something to do I guess.

I realized today that the kids have 6 weeks until they go back to school. Half of their summer break has already went by! They have the whole month of July, the rest of this month and the first week in August. Crazy. I went through clothes yesterday and dug out several pairs of shorts, two pants and some capris that Mackenzie can finally wear. They were given to me a long time ago, they're all 7s and 8s. So that sets her up for the warm part of the school year anyway, at least in pants. She needs some shirts, new underwear and socks, and new shoes. I saw some really cute shirts at Wal-Mart last night that will be perfect for school. They are just plain short sleeve shirts, some are solid colors, some are stripes, and some have writing on the front. They are all $5 each. I'm going to get her several of those, and then a few others of some other type. I'm gonna go this weekend or next and go ahead and put them some clothes on layaway. Hunter has three pairs of shorts that are nice looking, the rest are definitely not school clothes. So he needs a few more pair of shorts, shirts, socks, underwear, and shoes. And he has no pants for the winter. He's grown so much over the past year, we no longer have a stockpile of stuff to reuse the next season. He's like a baby, he outgrows each size in one season that I can't reuse his clothes. And what he could possibly wear the next year, he ruins - either by getting holes all in it or staining it beyond repair. He's definitely rough on clothes.

I always forget to read my comments. Heh. Am I supposed to reply to them, like it's a message board? LOL I'm clueless.

Tonight is Mackenzie's last ball game. They won their game on Tuesday, 24-23. It was so close! What a great game, though. That team is a good one to play. Actually all the teams are except for one. They are really good (they didn't lose a single game), but they're snooty about it. I was so glad to finish the last game against them. :)

I called Amy today to tell her about a family reunion and about our great-grandmother, and we ended up talking for almost two hours! We haven't really talked like that in forever, almost a year now I guess. It was easy though, we used to talk on the phone for hours all the time. I can't call her too too often though, it's long-distance. Heh.

Mom came by, she wants me to drive her to Dyersburg on Monday. I told her I couldn't. I wouldn't mind going and seeing Grandma, but my radiator acts up sometimes, and I don't know if I'll have gas money anyway. We have quite a bit of bills to pay this weekend (none of which she's offered to pitch in for, including an almost $200 electric bill).

An old friend of mine dropped by the forum yesterday. I was shocked to see her. We used to be really close friends. We originally met on a forum for younger parents, then we ended up starting HerTime together. We talked on the phone all.the.time, and we even met in person a couple of times. Then after Shelby was born she kind of slacked off on the phone calls. She and her husband moved a lot and I didn't have contact information for her a lot of time. Then they finally moved back to their hometown and she still wasn't getting in touch with me that much. I often felt that I had put more into our friendship than she had. I mean, she would never call me back when she said she would, she didn't return emails, she just was generally inconsiderate in a lot of ways. I wrote her a few letters, sent pictures of Shelby and stuff and never got a response. Finally, at Christmas that year, I sent her a Christmas card with a letter that basically told her how I felt. I told her that I was tired of basically having a friendship with myself, because I was the only one doing anything. I mean, I didn't expect that we'd talk on the phone daily and email once a week or anything. But a few months after you've written a letter you kind of expect SOME type of response, whether it's a letter in return or a quick phone call or something. So I haven't been in touch with her since that time. I guess it pissed her off, since she never attempted to apologize or get back in touch with me.

She's posting at the old parents forum and we posted back and forth a little bit but it's kind of strained. Or maybe I'm just expecting it to be strained and am reading into it. She hasn't mentioned our last correspondence. Heh. It's weird, "seeing" her again.

Well, I'm out of stuff to talk about for one day. I think of all these things I want to type out in my blog, but when I sit down to do it my mind goes blank. Figures, huh?

I hate mopping. Really, if there was one chore I could pick that I'd never have to do again, I'd pick mopping.

My arm is better, thank you for asking. :) I didn't go to the doctor because it cleared up on it's own after a few days of limited movement, and my Dr. was on vacation that week anyway. I think I just slept on it wrong and pulled something slightly out of place.

The situation with my Mom is improved, but only because she's not here. Haha! Last week, Richard's mother lost her balance coming down a ladder, fell, and broke her hip. She thought she was on the bottom rung, but was on the second one up, and she stepped down from it like she was on the bottom, then lost her balance and fell down. Ladies, take your calcium! But anyway, so there was brief talk about hiring my mom as a full-time "helper", so to speak. She'd live in their upstairs apartment and be paid to take care of them (Richard's dad has Alzheimers, so he can't be left alone), doing day to day stuff. So Darrell and I were happy about that, because she'd be moving out and no hurt feelings.

Then her children, most of which live in Michigan, talked her and her husband into coming up there and staying for a while. They had planned to go in July anyway, for some sort of church camp thing, and Mom was going to go with them to drive them. So now, she's staying there taking care of them for the next 6 weeks or so, then she'll still go with them to Michigan in July. My only beef with this is it's like another temporary job, and when she gets back from Michigan in late July, she'll be in the same boat she's in now - NO JOB. She'll basically be starting from scratch in her search, which prolongs her stay here.

But Darrell and I have decided to go ahead with the addition to the other trailer. We're going to build on two bedrooms and a living room. The new addition will be around 20 feet wide and 70 feet long. We'll have a 30x20 foot living room, a 15x20 foot bedroom, and a 25x20 foot bedroom. The two new rooms will be a master bedroom, which we'll be putting a bathroom in also, and a bedroom for the two little girls. We also plan to rip out all of the paneling in the old trailer and put sheetrock in. What is now the kitchen and living room will become kitchen and dining room. We plan to replace all the cabinets in the kitchen, and add some new ones, along with a pantry. We also plan to put hardwood (or laminate, more likely) floors in the old and new spaces. Yay for no carpet! Heh. After we do all that, we're going to brick around both structures (which will actually be one by that time), and voila! A house. :) But like I said, we are going to go ahead and start. We're going to be doing it all ourselves, and doing it as we can, so it's not going to be a quick task by any means. It'll take us a good while, but at least we have a place to live in the meantime, even if it is cramped. This way Mom has time to look for and find a job and get her own place. This will also let her know without a doubt that this is not a place for her to stay indefinitely. We thought we were clear to begin with, but we've got the impression from her that she intends to live out her golden years in that trailer. Not. We didn't buy it for her to live in. And the best part is, it'll all be PAID FOR when we're finished. A house and no mortgage, won't that be great?

The heartburn has really started to kick in with this pregnancy lately. I get it a lot for no reason. I doubt this child having a lot of hair though, none of my other kids did and I had bad heartburn with them too. So much for that old wives' tale.

I am so tired today. I had to get up early to take Darrell to work, because I had to run make a deposit at the bank. I didn't get in bed until after 11 last night, and I'm not used to that. I don't want to get in the habit of staying up late and sleeping in. I like sleeping in, but then it seems the day goes by so fast and is wasted.

Mackenzie has two more softball games to finish up the season. I don't know why they cram so many games in 6 weeks time and end the season so early in the summer. Weird. But she's had a good time, and she's gotten really good. They had a game on Saturday, and they won 11-4. I don't know how many we've won vs. lost though. It doesn't really matter though, she's had fun playing and that's the important part. I think she'll probably play again next summer. She wants to play soccer this fall, but I'm kind of hesitant. It's more expensive for one thing, and I've heard a lot about knee injuries in soccer. Plus they do all their games on Saturdays, which isn't really good for us. We've had two softball games on Saturday. Occasionally I can handle it, but not every weekend. Darrell is home on Saturdays and we usually use those days to do things as a family. She wanted to cheerlead too, for the Jr. Pro teams. Those teams are not school affiliated, our Ele. and Intermediate schools don't do football - football doesn't start in the school system until 7th grade. So this lets the littler ones play, and they put together a cheerleading squad too. But I told her no. It's even more expensive, you have to buy the uniforms, certain shoes, etc., and there is a lot of travel to competitions and such.

Whew! We've been busy these past few days. On Saturday morning, Kenzie had a game (one of only two Saturday games. I hate weekend games). Then Saturday afternoon, we all went to Columbia and saw Shrek 2. It was really good, we all liked it and had fun. It was expensive though. Including our lunch at Burger King, admission at the movies, and snacks, we spent around $65. Yikes! Which is why we don't do that very often at all. Heh.

My arm is very nearly killing me. It hurts so bad. It started hurting several days ago, maybe a week, I really don't remember exactly. I thought I had slept on it wrong and it would work itself out. It hurt that day, and a little that night, but seemed better by the next morning. It would still hurt if I moved it certain ways, but it wasn't bad. Then yesterday it started hurting again, all the way down my elbow into my wrist. Today it hurts just in my upper arm, but I can barely use my arm today. It hurts pretty badly just to lift my arm up. I can move it backwards with no problem, but if I try to lift it up to the side or forward, no can do. I basically can't move my upper arm (from the elbow up) away from my body without pain. I'm going to go to the doctor in the morning and see if I can't get this fixed. I can't deal with having just one hand. I look so funny too, I'm sure. I have to use my right hand to raise my left arm up if I need it up. I should probably be leaving it alone, but I can't use one hand to wash my hair or pull it up in a ponytail, or the other hundreds of things I do everyday. Darrell tried to get me to go to the doctor today, but I put it off. I really needed to get the house cleaned, and I'm afraid he's going to put me on restriction with what I can do with my arm. :-/

I need to get to bed. I am so drained, I really need my sleep right now. I wish my life would slow down for a little bit. I can't keep up! ;)

Woohoo - new template! :) Redoing all the links and stuff is a pain in the ass, though. Heh.

My mother is really getting on Darrell's and my nerves. I am such a wuss, I feel bad about feeling irritated with her. I've got to get this shit under control. I wonder if there is any self-help books on how to stop feeling guilty. Heh. Darrell has just about had it, he's about ready to tell her she can't stay here any longer. She's just really different than she used to be. I guess I remember when I lived at home, how she kept things clean - she was really anal about it, like I am. Heh. Since she's been staying with us though, she's just gotten more and more lazy. I do not mind picking up after my kids and my husband, to a certain extent. Of course, I'm not their maid and they don't treat me like one, but I do the basic cleanup as far as mopping, bathrooms, laundry, cooking, etc. And I'm fine with that. Darrell and I have more traditional roles within our marriage, and that works for us. But, I would expect that Mom -- staying with us for an indefinite amount of time -- would pitch in more and help out.

We are feeling like we are being taken advantage of. She's working with Richard's mother, for five freaking dollars an hour. Hell, she could work a minimum wage job and make more than that! I think that she's continuing to work with her so that she can keep tabs on what Richard is doing. I think if they talked, she'd be right back with him. And to be honest, I kinda wish that would happen, just so she'd be gone. We bought a mobile home that needed a little work. We didn't buy it FOR her, but we told her she could stay there. She's completely went in and took it over, like it belongs to her. She wants to pay back the money that we paid for it, and it be hers. We are absolutely NOT interested in doing that. For one thing, we got it for a steal, and if we sold it we'd want to make money on it. Secondly, it's really in better condition than our home is in, as far as floors and walls and stuff goes, and we'd actually like to build some rooms on and move into it ourselves. The only reason we offered to let her stay there instead is because she needed a place to live, and that place only has two bedrooms at the moment. Since we bought it she's really changed though. She's over there all the time, she's not helping me do any of the housework, laundry, cleaning up after supper, cooking, etc. She started cleaning on it and moving stuff into it before we even had blocks under it. Darrell just got it re-plumbed last week (it had to have all new pipes throughout). It doesn't have permanent electricity, hell - it doesn't even have septic in it yet! We have bills to pay here and things to do here, and we can't afford to do it all in one whack. And yet, she's staying over there already these past few days. She's waiting until midnight to come over here and get her something to eat, take a shower, use the bathroom, etc. She woke me up two nights ago in the kitchen, and Darrell said last night she scared the shit out of him, coming in at midnight. How irritating is that?

Then tonight, Richard's daughter Chasity called and asked for Mom. I had Hunter take the phone over there to her, and next thing I know she's back asking me if she can use my car. She needs to go to *another town* to pick Chasity up, because she went over there to a graduation and didn't have any way back home. It would not surprise me in the least to find out that Chasity went over there knowing she didn't have a way back and planned to call Mom and sucker her into coming and getting her all along. She *knows* mom doesn't have a car, that it'd be my car she'd use, but she didn't even mention it to me when I answered the phone. I should have said no, she couldn't use my car, but I'm a sucker too, I guess. Darrell is really pissed off about it, especially with gas prices the way they are lately. He told me not to let her use the car for anything like that again, which I can't blame him. I really feel the same way, I guess I was just caught off guard.

So, this will probably be the end of a good relationship with my Mom. I told Darrell tonight that I have been really surprised by how this has been going. I certainly did not expect for things to go this way. I guess she's just changed and not living with her, I haven't noticed it as clearly. Oh, this isn't going to be pretty. :-/

One more day of school left. I'll be glad to get out of the 'rise at 6 AM' routine everyday. I hate getting up so early. But on the other hand, it's hard keeping these kids entertained for nearly 3 full months. This summer is going to be so miserable too. I've never been pregnant in the summertime. :) I have an OB appointment next week, the 24th. I was supposed to go on the 14th, but I cancelled it since we had that viewing to go to. They rescheduled me for yesterday at 12:30, but I'm stupid and didn't even think about having to be here to pick up the kids from school. So I called yesterday and cancelled that one, and they put me to Monday, the 24th. I guess all my appointments will be put on Monday now. I liked the Friday appointments. Then the kids have to go to the dentist on Tuesday for some minor work. Hunter has one cavity and Mackenzie has two "dots" of cavity that they have to have fixed. I think we're just going to mostly relax for the first couple of weeks of summer vacation, not worrying about scheduling things or anything. I need to catch up on my sleep.

The preliminary hearing was today. Of course the fucker pleaded not guilty. He couldn't have the decency to not put everyone through a trial. I guess when you kill two people in cold blood, their families' and friends' suffering is not really top priority in your mind, though. I don't know what the next step is. I watched the news today but they didn't have anything about it. The Nashville stations were only interested in the sensationalism of the first few days. Now that all the boring court stuff is starting, they don't want to report on it. There should be something in the newspaper tomorrow, it's still HUGE news around here.

Well, not much to write today and I need to go get Shelby a bath. She's very cranky, she didn't have a real good nap today. And Darrell wants me to watch a movie with him. We're just taking it easy tonight, trying not to think about this time last week. I can't believe it's been a week already. In some ways it's like 'it's ONLY been a week?' and then it also feels like 'it's ALREADY been a week?'

Monday. Back to the grind for everybody. The kids only have three days of school left until summer vacation, though. I'm looking forward to the break, and dreading it too. The fighting between the kids is what I dread. I've got to keep us busy this summer. We can't do much running around though, not with gas prices so crazily expensive. We'll stick close to home I guess, play in the creek, take picnics, etc. The kids' cooking class that we usually go to isn't going to be going on this summer. The office that that program was through was cut, budget problems. We'll still have library story hour, anyway, I guess.

Well, we found out from the CSI people pretty much what happened. I guess this is as much as we'll ever know. There were some things I was wondering about that this explanation answered for me. For instance, I had wondered if the guy had pulled up in the driveway or what. I figured that was unlikely, because Joey wouldn't have just sat there and not seen who was at his house. Nor did he mention to Danny that someone was there. So I figured he snuck up. It turns out, his brother drove him over there, knowing what he was planning on doing. He dropped him off either down the road, or at another road that is close to Joey and Cindy's house if you go through the woods.

Apparently Cindy was out on the backporch, and he walked up around the side of the house and shot her in the side (I think the left side). This was when Danny heard Seana screaming and Joey dropped the phone to see what was going on. They think Joey was pulling Cindy in the house and trying to figure out what was going on when he was shot in the arm. He was shot in his left arm, between the hand and the elbow. His arm was just shredded, they said. This was probably the point when Joey ran back to the bedroom to get his gun, and the guy came on in the house, followed him to the bedroom and shot him in the back. Joey had his hand on his gun when he was found. He was so close. Evidently after that, he went back to the kitchen and shot Cindy in the head. I don't know when Seana ran out of the house, probably after Joey was shot, because up to that point he didn't even know what was happening. So either he or Cindy probably told Seana to run right after Joey got shot in the arm. Also, at some point, the guy turned the television up extremely loud. Which doesn't make a lot of sense, since he had already shot outside of the house. No one heard anything anyway, which is a little odd. Shotguns are not quiet.

And here's a bit of irony for you. Joey and Cindy used to have this big, mean dog. It wasn't mean to them, of course, but it was a scary looking dog with a mean sounding bark. Anytime we went over there, Joey or Cindy would have to come out and stand on the porch so the dog would leave you alone. A little while back, probably a month or less, there was a boy walking down the street in front of their house and the dog started running after him and barking. Cindy said the dog wouldn't listen to her to come back or anything. They were afraid it was going to end up hurting someone so they got rid of it. Of course, you can't say with any certainty how things might have been different, but I am positive there is no way that guy could have snuck up on them if that dog had still been there. That doesn't mean the outcome would have been any different, but there's a good chance it might have. And of course there are 50 million other 'what ifs'.

Oh, they picked up the guy's brother. He was arrested as an accessory. So if the guy pleads not guilty, they'll likely have his brother testify against him in exchange for a lighter sentence. His preliminary hearing is tomorrow, so we'll see what happens then. I wish he'd just plead guilty, it'd save a lot of time and money, not to mention the heartache to the families that a trial would put them through.

It's been eerie here this morning. I think this is the first day Shelby and I have been here alone since it happened, and I have to admit I'm a little scared. I've got all the doors locked (which I always do anyway - so Shelby can't sneak out), and I haven't opened any curtains or blinds and I usually do that first thing in the morning. The rational part of me knows that he's in jail and heck, we didn't even know him or him know us. But part of me is still scared. If something like that could happen here, and to close friends of mine, well, is anyone really safe? God, the phone just rang and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I hope this passes soon. I guess I should stop thinking about it, I'm getting myself more worked up. But then again, I haven't stopped thinking about it since it happened. I'm scared to go to bed by myself anymore. I have to reach in and turn on a light before I go into a room at night.

Well, the funeral was today. It was hard, too. Luckily it was pretty short. They played songs that made me cry and then the service the guy gave was nice. After that, they let anyone come up for a last viewing before they closed the caskets. We went up and looked and the kids took it really hard. They both were really sobbing. I think it did them good to go. Unfortunately, we did not get to go to the burial. We went ahead of the procession because Darrell knew where the cemetary was. Only, we got lost instead and couldn't find it. Come to find out, we were very close, but of course we didn't know that until tonight and there was NO cell phone reception out there - it was very much the boonies. Gine and Danny came over tonight for a little bit, and we're all going to ride down there sometime soon, so we can visit and bring flowers. I miss them a lot. :/ I'll never understand why this happened.

That's all for today. I hope my blog hasn't been too depressing as of late, but it has really helped me to get all of it out in writing. And as bad as it may sound, it helps to know that as time goes by and I can't remember things as well, I have a fresh account written down, so I'll never completely forget.

So, here's to Joey and Cindy, who were taken too soon. Much love to you both. I miss you a lot. How I wish you were here.

Well, the viewing was today. We left at 3, and got back home at 7. I am exhausted. These things are draining anyway, and I stood the whole time. My feet and lower back are really paying for it now. We ate out tonight *again*, because it was late when we got home and everyone was hungry.

As far as the actual viewing itself, it went alright. Both Cindy and Joey looked different, but then that's true at any viewing, I think. You could see on Cindy's forehead where she had been shot - it was to the right, almost at her temple. The makeup artists can only do so much, I guess. :( They had to put her wedding ring on her chest because it wouldn't fit on her finger. Her hands were obviously swollen. Joey looked way different too, mainly because he wasn't wearing a t-shirt and he didn't have a ballcap on. It's funny how a lot of times they dress people when they die so differently from how they actually dressed when they were alive. If they'd done what Joey would have wanted, they'd have put on an old pair of jeans, t-shirt and cap, and probably put a beer and pack of cigarettes in there with him. Haha! I can see him in my head looking just like that, with that smile he always had on his face, and that slow kind of laugh. He had a slow talk too, really laid back and country. He was such a good guy.

Mackenzie followed Seana all over and mothered her. She just naturally does that to smaller kids. She did take Seana in to see Cindy and Joey for the first time. Seana had refused all day. They played for a while and then Kenzie asked her if she wanted to go in (this is what Kenzie told me). Seana asked her if they were just bones, and she told her no, that they had skin. So they held hands and went in and just looked for a while. They both touched Cindy and Joey, I guess they had to see if it was okay. Mackenzie told me later that they were freezing cold. I was glad Kenzie was there for Seana liked that - what a burden that poor little girl has in that memory. I was kind of irked by this other little girl. She was standing there while Kenzie and Seana were looking at Cindy, and she was talking about how Cindy was shot in the head and stuff. Then she started trying to say the name of the guy that did it, and Seana said "Don't talk about that!" Then the little girl started saying "Who told you to run, Seana? Who told you to run?" About that time Seana turned away to walk out, and I told Kenzie to go with her. When we all went out, Seana and Kenzie turned around and went back in without that other little girl.

The funeral is tomorrow, 10 AM.

Joey and Cindy are dead. I can't believe it, it is so unreal. Why? They never did anything to anyone. They were quiet and stayed home most of the time. It just makes no sense.

Tuesday night, May 11, at around 9 PM, Darrell and I were sitting down and had just started watching Big Fish. All of a sudden there was a huge banging on the door, and Darrell went to answer it. I heard Gina talking and I could tell something was wrong. I went to the door just in time to hear her say 'Joey and Cindy are dead and Seana's missing'. We pulled her in the house and I asked her if the police had been called. She said she didn't know, so I called 911 and told them what she'd just said. They said the sheriff was already on his way down there. I asked if they could tell me anything about what was happening, but they couldn't.

So we just all sat here and tried to figure out what was going on, and who would want to hurt Joey and Cindy and why. Darrell made brief mention of a man that Joey had talked about before that used to date Cindy's mom. He said that Joey had told him this guy had burned down a mobile home that Cindy's mom was staying in at one time, but luckily she wasn't there. Joey had told Darrell that he was concerned that this guy might come and try to start something with them, and that this guy was mean. He told Darrell that if he came down there to start trouble that Joey would kill him.

Then Gina told us again the whole story. She said at around 8:30, she told Danny that Joey had called him and so Danny called him back. They were talking, just for several minutes, when all of a sudden there was loud screaming from Seana. She said it was so loud she could hear it coming through the phone, and the dog started barking. She carried the dog inside so Danny could hear and he was trying to figure out what was happening, saying 'hello?' over and over. Then the phone went silent, but it hadn't been hung up. He came in and let Gina listen and asked her if she could hear anything. She said she heard something that sounded like a low voice, a moan or the tv or something. Danny decided to drive down there and see what had happened. When he got down there and found them dead, he called Gina and told her he didn't know what was going on, but Joey and Cindy were dead and Seana was missing. That's when the police arrived and he hung up.

Darrell left to go up to his brother's and mom and dad's houses and let them know. We didn't know who it could possibly be or if they might come down here since we're all connected. Before he went up there, he took Gina back home to get her dog and come back. While they were there, Danny called Gina back and said that Seana was at City Hall, that a neighbor had picked her up and she'd told them her mom and dad had been killed, so they took her to the police. That's how the police knew to go down there before I called them. Danny was on his way to City Hall to be with Seana, and his mother was with him. He had stopped by and picked her up before he went down there, and she is the one that found Joey, her oldest child. Seana also told them that the man who did it was Mark, her nana's ex-boyfriend. The guy Darrell had mentioned.

After that, we pretty much just sat around and talked about it and we were just all in shock. Gina left to go up to her mothers around 10, and she stayed up there until Danny got back from City Hall. Darrell and I watched tv and just sat here basically. We finally tried to lay down around 2 AM, and we slept until 3 when Gina called and said Danny was on his way home. He'd had to stay at City Hall all that time while the police talked to Seana and of course, he had to tell them what he'd seen and done. She asked us to come over, so we got up and went over. We stayed there until about 3:30, but we had to get back home because I was afraid Shelby would wake up and Mom wouldn't hear her. I slept sitting up on the couch for another couple of hours after we got back.

Darrell stayed home from work the next day (Wednesday), and Hunter stayed home from school. I gave both the kids the option to stay at home if they wanted to. They were both really upset about what had happened. They had overheard Gina telling us the story last night, so they basically knew Joey and Cindy had been shot and Seana was missing. Before they went to bed I told them Seana had been found, but I didn't tell them Joey and Cindy were dead. So when I woke them up on Wednesday, I had to tell them that Joey and Cindy were not alive. It was very upsetting to them both. They cried for a little while, and I cried with them. All day yesterday they would mention it, or they'd say they miss Joey and Cindy. Hunter said yesterday afternoon that he prayed that Joey and Cindy would be able to come back. I hate that they are having to deal with this. I hate that any of us are having to deal with this.

We now know that the guy who did it, Mark Siebenthal, shot Cindy numerous times. He was mainly after her, we think, because of her mother. Seana ran, but it's not clear if Joey told her to or if she just did because she was so scared. Joey apparently tried to get his gun, but wasn't able to. Oh, how I wish he could have. I have never felt such pure hatred for someone in my life.

Wow, what a new look! This is alright. :) I don't have much time right now, I have to leave in about 30 minutes to go pick up the kids from school. They have a dentist appointment so they get to leave early today.

I felt so awful for Hunter yesterday. His school does the Accelerated Reader program each year. It's not mandatory, so it really becomes the student's responsibility to read books and test over them and accumulate points. I didn't think Hunter would do it much this year because he's just not a big reader. Well, at the end of every school year, those kids that have got a certain amount of points, like 30 I think, get to go on a picnic at the local park for the day. Hunter told me like two weeks ago that he had enough points, that his teacher had told him he had enough to go. The picnic was yesterday, and when I went up to the park to take him some water and stuff, he wasn't there. I thought about going to check on him to make sure he was okay, but I didn't. I wish I had now, because he was VERY upset. Not only that, but he and one other boy were the only ones left in their classroom all.day.long. He was crying when he got in the car yesterday, and I just felt terrible. He said his teacher had made a mistake and he only had 17 points. :/ That kind of irritated me too, because he had about two weeks before the picnic that he could have been trying to get more points, but he thought he had enough. So I thought that was crappy. Next year I'm going to keep on him to do at least two books per week through the whole year so he'll be able to go. I hated for this to happen to him. :/

Mackenzie had a ball game last night, but about 5 minutes before it was supposed to start, it rained like, as Darrell says, a cow pissing on a flat rock. (haha!) So we basically went to the park to sit under the bleachers while it rained, then we went home. I could have cooked supper if I had known that. Tonight she has a game, but it doesn't start until 6:30. I hate this time slot, the games aren't over until around 8 or so. We'll have to eat supper before we go, but she'll have to wait for a bath until we get back, for obvious reasons. Depending on when we get back from the dentist, we may just have take-out tonight. I hope it doesn't get rained out tonight, we've got chances of those 'hit or miss' summer showers all week.

Well, I'll write more later. I've got to get a few last minute things done before I leave. And now a message from Shelby:
666 --- Ha! My little demon child.

Good gracious, it's been forever and a day since I made an entry. A whole lot has happened since I last posted. My pregnancy is going along quite smoothly. I am now 22 weeks pregnant, almost to the start of my third trimester! Woah, how did that happen? School is nearly out for the year, the kids have 8 days left. Time is really flying by.

Today is Mother's Day. It started out good enough. I'd got up at 5 AM on both Friday and Saturday, and then stayed up until 10 or later each night, so I was pretty exhausted last night. I need much more sleep than that on a good day, and when I'm not pregnant. This morning I planned to sleep in, but don't ya know I woke up at 8:30. Bah. I wanted to sleep until 10 or so. So, anyway. Kenzie brought me in a pair of earrings that she had bought me. We're broke, so I know I didn't get anything from Darrell. Oh well, nothing new I guess. The kids and Darrell then fixed me breakfast - scrambled eggs, toast, and milk - and I ate that. I got up and read online while I ate my breakfast.

To kind of veer off topic for a moment - we bought another trailer. It belonged to two old women down the road. They lost the land it was sitting on and had to move it. Well, they only moved it up the road, right across the street from our house, and there it's been sitting for the better part of a year. We recently contacted them about buying it, and we finally agreed on a price and paid them yesterday. It needs a few very minor things fixed (like the bathroom floor needs replaced), and then more cosmetic stuff - paint, new carpet, new vinyl, etc. We are going to let my mom live there while she needs to. When she moves, whenever that may be, we'll decide what to do with it then. (ie. rent it out, sell it)

So this morning, first thing after breakfast, everyone dashes off over there to do cleaning, tearing up carpets, etc. Here I am sitting in a quite filthy house that I did NOT make this way alone, thinking to myself that something is wrong with this picture. I told the kids it was time to start cleaning (they were still here watching cartoons), and they both jumped up and said 'Oh, we're supposed to be helping Granny' and ran off. So here I am in the house, alone, the very dirty house, cleaning it by myself. I was pretty pissed off about it - it IS Mother's Day, after all. Can't they at least help me clean the damn house? - and I've been pretty hormonal the past couple of days. So, I started bawling. I was cleaning while I was crying. Heh. Then Hunter comes in and asks me if I need help. No doubt, made to come in by Darrell. I told him no, and to go back outside. By then, I really didn't want anyone to be in here with me. I went to close my bedroom door - I was cleaning it first - and my mom saw me crying. She of course had to come to my door and ask me if I was okay. I told her to leave me alone and she went outside. Then a little bit later, Darrell came in asking me what was wrong. I said nothing, haha. I am just the type of person that when I am upset and in the moment, I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone until I'm over it, and then if I need to talk, I will. So he went back outside and I kept cleaning. Then before I knew it, Mom and Darrell had both come inside and started cleaning. So, apparently they figured out why I was pissed off. But then I had to fight feeling guilty - essentially throwing a tantrum so they'd help. Heh. But I didn't want them to come in and help because I got mad. I wanted help to begin with because I'm not the maid around here, and I don't live here alone - therefore the mess is not mine alone. And I had hoped people would want to help me to take a load off since it IS Mother's Day.

Or maybe I'm just a big whiny baby. Who knows.