Food is my master...

How does food have such control over my life? How? I have completely lost control over myself this week. I didn't even weigh in this morning. I weighed on Wednesday and had gained back 1.5 pounds. This sucks! Why do I let food control me like this? I was watching that reality show on VH1 where the celebrities are competing to lose weight. The one lady that used to do the Snapple commercials was on there, she was big and I thought surely she weighed over 300 pounds. They weighed her and she was 245 pounds. OMG. That is what I look like. I look like her. I thought she looked huge, and I LOOK LIKE THAT. I keep waffling, going back and forth between fuck it and I can do this. The fuck it moments are easier to give in to, hmm. This pisses me off. I can't even run and keep up with my 3 y/o! If she takes off running, I cannot catch her. So, I've decided to lay it all out on the line. I am restarting first thing Monday morning. I am going to set specific goals, daily goals, at least until I have a handle on things. On Monday, I will:

• drink *1* Diet Dr. Pepper and then water or Crystal Light the rest of the day
• not eat any junk food: cakes, candies, chips, etc
• eat small portions
• get in at least 30 minutes of exercise

I'm going to start planning out my food for the entire day the night before, and stick to that menu. This is what I'm going to do.

I have to do this. I have to, I have to, I have to. I just have to grab it by the horns and resist. It's all about will power. I managed to quit smoking with a smoker around me, and that is an actual addiction! I can do this. I want to look pretty again. I want to not be embarrassed by how I look. I don't want to be self-conscious all the time. I want to be able to run and catch my 3 y/o.

Oh yeah, and Delphi is pissing me off this evening!

Washclothes in the toilet, and other adventures with Shelby

My third child is going to cause me to be grey before I am thirty. She has driven me completely batty this week. First of all, she has this huge attitude, and she's not even three yet! She's learned the lovely words 'stupid' and 'shut-up', and she loves to let me hear them. Her older brother and sister laugh and egg her on, so it's not as easy as all that to get her to stop. Additionally, she thinks she is as old as and can do the same things as her older brother and sister. Which leads to her getting into all kinds of stuff and making all kinds of huge messes, which I then get the great pleasure of cleaning up.

Her latest thing was to go into the bathroom earlier this week, stuff around an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet, and flush. Which then overflowed the toilet. So, some bright person put carpet in the bathroom, which is now soaking wet. I have to use a lot of towels, most of them clean, to sop up the mess, and put a fan in to dry the floor. It finally gets dry, then she goes in on Thursday evening and flushes a washcloth down the toilet. So it overflows again. I was so pissed. I cannot convey in words how pissed I was. We could not use that toilet for the rest of the night or all day yesterday. Darrell finally pulled the toilet up last night and got the washrag out. Luckily it was still in the toilet and not in the pipes. And I have finally almost caught up my laundry from having to use all my damn towels to sop up the mess. I folded 5 loads of clothes this evening, and the last one is in the dryer.

Maggie had her 4 month well baby visit yesterday. She is 16 lb., 13 oz. and 26.25". I am going to go sometime this month and buy Shelby a new carseat, and give hers to Maggie. I'm selling the infant carrier. I had really hoped to get more than 4 months out of the infant seat. I only got 4 months out of Shelby's too, come to think of it. Maggie is at the top of the chart for both weight and height. She had three shots yesterday, and has been incredibly cranky since then. I've pretty much kept her dosed with Tylenol since we got home yesterday afternoon. This afternoon, she cried for 30 minutes or so, loudly and uncontrollably. I was holding her but she wouldn't be consoled, she wouldn't nurse or anything. I finally got her to settle down and she went to sleep for about 4 hours. I held her for most of that time because I was afraid if I laid her down, she'd wake up and be fussy again. I was surprised when she nursed and went back to sleep by 8:30 for the night. I laid her down in the bed and she's still there at 11:15. That's why I was able to fold all those clothes. ;p

This diet is kicking my ass. I am eating things I know I cannot control myself with, like pizza. I have done good for probably 4 days of the past week, the first 4 days. These last three days I have had horrible will power. I've just got to do it. I do not want to end this year as big as I am now. I have a goal of 80 pounds by October, and then just try to maintain that loss through the holidays. I lost 4.5 pounds this week. The first week last year, I lose 11 pounds. I'm worried that breastfeeding an infant is going to hinder me more than breastfeeding a toddler did last year. But, on the other hand, I did not cheat in the first week like I did this year. I suck. I'm gonna get my shit together this week. I can do this.